


Dream of You

by Melime



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: F/F, Inspired by Art, Introspection, No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 12:15:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8713579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: It was in her dreams that she felt the closest to all her past lives, memories and wishes and fantasies equally invading her mind.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brinnanza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brinnanza/gifts).
  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Sonhar com Você](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9198623) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf)
  * Inspired by [Art](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/244543) by brinnanza. 



> My entry for the [ds9reversebang](http://ds9reversebang.tumblr.com/), inspired by brinnanza's art.
> 
> Thank you to my beta feygrim, who put up with my attempt at an introspective story.

It was in her dreams that she felt the closest to all her past lives, memories and wishes and fantasies equally invading her mind, and sometimes she couldn’t tell the difference between them, not until long after she had been awake, and sometimes, not even then. She would catch herself searching records to confirm what she saw, trying to fit the dream in the timeframe of her memories, even wondering if there was anyone alive to whom she could ask, and occasionally giving up and accepting that, at least for now, she wouldn’t know.

It was because she wasn’t ready, she was sure of this. Other Trill had the benefit of years of training and mental preparation, as well as having the right psychological profile for this type of existence, not to mention a symbiont that had been properly prepared for the transition, not taken wounded and almost dead, then implanted without having the necessary time to recover. She had a grand total of fifteen minutes to receive and digest the information before needing to quickly consent, or rather having consent nearly forced out of her by a surgeon that didn’t even understand the first thing about what it meant to be joined, and then it was all too fast to give her time to think, being prepared for the implantation while people ran and gave orders all around her, and she honestly thought more sedation should be involved in the process, because that was certainly an experience she didn’t want to have been awake for, let alone have the memories of all the previous transferences. Surely it would be better not to remember anything at all about the whole thing.

The point was, she wasn’t ready to have all these minds, all these memories, and if she were to be quite honest, she probably wasn’t ready to live in the same place Jadzia did, surrounded by Jadzia’s friends and unsure as to how they translated into her friends. But then again, she had tried continuing with her old life and quickly realized she wasn’t ready for that too, so she didn’t have much choice. Going to do a completely different thing wasn’t all that appealing either, because she wasn’t sure she could take any more experiences. She wasn’t Jadzia Dax and she wasn’t Ezri Tigan, and although both of them had their places, Ezri Dax would have to create one for herself, building on what was there.

Maybe that was why it was so hard for her at first, separating her own feelings from those of all these other people who she was now, if there was even something as her own feelings in this situation. She was all of them, but she was also herself, even though herself was who she was with all of them, and those feelings weren’t yet in their proper place. Jadzia loved Worf, Dax somehow appeared to have a crush on Julian, if symbionts could even feel this sort of thing, and she was almost sure Audrid found Quark oddly charming, and those were just the highlights. For the first few months, she found herself having the strangest kinds of crushes on the most diverse people, and, usually, if she waited long enough, she could trace that back to the particular tastes of one of the previous hosts, or even Dax itself, who seemed to like dorky nerds with poor people skills.

She made mistakes because of that, hurt people she didn’t mean to hurt, her friends, but also herself. At least Worf had a sense of closure, so she could try to justify it somehow, but she had some regrets regarding what happened with Julian. Julian was a bad case of not having a clue as to how she felt and just jumping into action because she needed to do something, anything to figure out what was happening. Not her proudest moment, that is for sure, but at least they parted in good terms, with their friendship a bit bruised, but overall healthy.

Jadzia was a passionate woman, intense in every way, and the thoughts and feelings that Ezri gained from her shared on that intensity, and it was hard sometimes to understand all of that. That’s why she promised herself she wouldn’t jump on any more relationships, especially not with Jadzia’s friends, now her friends, until she could properly classify all the feelings she was having. Which was why the dreams were starting to get on her nerves.

She was mostly used to them by now, especially the recurring ones. The part nightmare, part memory about her fight with Neema, Audrid’s fight with Neema, often followed by dreams where they were never apart, or where she got to be at her daughter’s wedding. The one where she was crashing various ships, likely motivated by Tobias’ death. A very strange one about swimming in fruit that she wasn’t sure where it came from. Quite a few about being tossed out of bars, which she blamed Curzon for. Several about weddings that happened and didn’t, love long ago lost and love never had, children being born and children dying, not always in the way those things had actually happened, death coming for her in all the ways it had, and all the ways it almost had. Some about passionate nights with former lovers, which always made her wake with her cheeks pink, and not be able to meet anyone’s eyes for several hours. And the most disturbing, where her mom kept saying how disappointed she was with her, then turning into Neema and saying she would never talk to her again, and sometimes turning into Yolad Belard and killing her, and then she turned into Joran, and occasionally saw his victims. That dream in particular was one she didn’t need analyzed, and by ‘didn’t need’ she probably meant didn’t want, some stones were better left unturned, and eight lifetimes meant a fruitful field for psychoanalysis.

The real problem was when the dreams about Kira started. Kira was a friend, a good friend even, but she was still working on being as close to her as she had been in her previous life, and that’s why the dreams were such a big problem. They started quite some time after they became close, and only got worse as time passed and their friendship grew. First, they were simple, with open interpretations, the kind of thing she could easily ignore as soon as she woke up. She would just dream of Kira, seeing her at Quark’s, or working, or doing that cute little smile that spread through all her face, and made the ridges on her nose all the more adorable. Surely there was a reasonable explanation for that that didn’t involve things she didn’t want to think about. She had already allowed a misinterpretation of feelings get in the way of two friendships, she wasn’t ready to allow that to happen a third time. As it turns out, there was a lot of things she wasn’t ready for, not that it mattered all that much, since the universe didn’t seem all that concerned with what she was and wasn’t ready for.

The thing was, ignoring the dreams didn’t make them go away, much to the contrary, they seemed to be the most popular out of her recurrent dreams. She tried to push them away, shove them in the darkest corners of her mind and forget all about them, even though she did enjoy them while they were happening. Her logic was simple, there was nothing in her past memories about a past relationship with her, but still, so many of those images came from Jadzia’s memories of Kira, of the way she smiled and walked and talked, so, the most obvious conclusion was that Jadzia had had some unresolved feelings towards Kira that were never acted upon. It was the most logical, reasonable explanation, or at least it was one that allowed her to not do anything about it. And if the dreams kept getting worse, or better, she wasn’t actually sure, with Kira, then she could still keep using that excuse, that Jadzia was the reason why she dreamt of Kira entering her space, touching her face softly, leaning in, and kissing her, sometimes sweet, sometimes passionate, sometimes leading to a lot more than just a kiss. Those were dreams she definitely didn’t want to think about, if she ever wanted to be able to look at Kira in the eyes again.

And that was why she never expected that confrontation to happen. Although, in retrospect, asking for Julian’s advice in a crowded place like Quark’s was probably not the best of ideas. Scratch that, asking advice from someone who needed seven years to realize that flirtatious behaviour was in fact intentionally flirtatious and then decided that a Cardassia-Bajor long distance relationship was a good idea was surely one of the worst ideas she had, right up there with accepting to take a symbiont with no preparation whatsoever. Nothing to be done about that now, though, not when she had a seemingly furious Kira demanding explanations.

And explain she did, or tried at least. It could be hard to explain something she herself didn’t understood, and some babbling may have been involved. Probably some incoherent half sentences that did a poor job of expressing what she was thinking, let alone what she was feeling. Still, something must have worked, because Kira didn’t seem irritated anymore, far from it.

Kira stepped… Nerys, she used to call her Nerys, Jadzia used to call her Nerys, could Ezri do the same? Nerys stepped closer to her, touching her the same way she did in the dreams. Ezri knew now, this had nothing to do with Jadzia, and she couldn’t keep hiding behind her past lives. She allowed her fear of getting things wrong, again, of hurting her friends, again, of getting herself hurt, again, to get in the way of figuring out her feelings, and she couldn’t keep doing that. Perhaps ignoring feelings she couldn’t interpret citing the confusion of having so many new memories and feelings as the cause was just as bad as acting impulsively on feelings she couldn’t understand and then regretting everything as soon as she got enough time to think about things.

Nerys kissed careful, soft, sweet, as a question more than anything else, and it was exactly like she always dreamt it would be, and at the same time, so much better than she could ever have imagined. Ezri didn’t even know what she could have said that worked, busy as she was spurting the first thing that came into her mind and switching mid-sentence, but Nerys understood, Nerys could always understand her, no matter what.

Ezri allowed herself to be taken by the moment, emptying her mind of all doubt, at least for now. When a dream comes true, it’s not a good idea to overthink things, which was an unfortunate tendency she had developed over the years. She could panic in a moment, she would almost certainly panic in a moment, and find a way to try herself into thinking that somehow this was all a mistake, that she didn’t really feel what she was feeling. But for now, for a few glorious moments, she could have this, a pure and unadulterated sense of joy.

She was sure now that Nerys was her dream, and no one else’s. And perhaps, if she was forced to carefully consider it, she would realize that Ezri Tigan would have fallen for Nerys just as surely as Ezri Dax did, and that was what made that feeling so comfortable, knowing that, whomever she were now, she was linked to whom she used to be, and the sum of Dax’s experiences didn’t erase her own.

Nerys was her dream, an impossible, unachievable dream that had somehow turned into reality, and now, she would do everything she could do hold on to that sweet dream. And if she knew Nerys well enough, Ezri was sure Nerys would do the same.


End file.
